Straight Debauchery: Thailand

WARNING: If you are visiting my blog because Reverend Yolanda came to your BaptiPentaHoliness Church and told you that her daughter was traveling around the world and that you should read her blog, then I beg you to please hold your mule and pass this post. This ain’t for you. If your momma sent you here to see what I was up to and you are under the age of consent, please log off. I will get back to you with something more appropriate in about 5-7 business days. If you are a college recruiter and are reading this as a part of your investigation into whether I would make an ideal candidate for your doctoral program, then please note that this post is not a complete reflection of my character. Nevertheless, it does show that I exhibit a willingness to engage in activities outside of my purview.

I had absolutely no plans of going to Pattaya, Thailand. All of the guide books suggested that it was a major party town and since drinking solo is slightly depressing, I figured I’d spend my days somewhere else. Then my brother advised that his ship was docking in Pattaya for the week and my sister-in-law, Miki, was flying out to meet him. My little brother is in the Navy and as many of you are aware from my bungee fiasco, he lives in Japan. He was underway when I visited Japan and I hadn’t seen him in over a year, so I figured I would catch up with them in Pattaya.

Me: Do you guys want to upgrade to a suite with two rooms or should I book my own room?

My Brother: I haven’t seen my wife in 40 days.

Me: Got it! I will book my own room.

I met up with Miki at Bangkok International Airport and we rode into Pattaya together. The hotel was beautiful and everything was in order, so we checked in and proceeded to our separate rooms. As the bell hop took us to the elevator, I noticed a poster on the wall encased in glass.  The poster essentially stated that this hotel establishment does not support child prostitution and will report those who engage in it to the authorities. “Oh, that’s nice,” I thought and continued to my room. Now, it was late and it really didn’t hit me until after I sat down and de-stressed, but I was confused.

• How odd... Normally glassed encased posters in hotels say something about the hotels excellent customer service rating or the breakfast buffet offered in the morning, but this one was about the illegality of child prostitution. Isn’t that a no-brainer?
•  What the hell do they mean by “THIS” establishment?!  Are there other establishments that do support child prostitution?
•  Why just list child prostitution? What about adults? Isn’t it all illegal?
•  Where am I, really? And what have I gotten myself into?

I needed to know more about Pattaya, so I immediately looked to my best friend: Google. Apparently, Pattaya was a fisherman’s village long before it got its claim to fame as the sex tourism capital of the world. There is a lot of interesting information out there about the history of the Pattaya, the Isaan  Village girls who provide fuel for the prostitution in these areas and the Russian Mafia that organizes the industry to the benefit of those with more “eccentric” taste. It was a lot to undertake in one night, so I sat that information aside in the “dormant” file in my mind because being locked up abroad is not on my bucket list and neither is engaging in child prostitution, legal or not, so I wouldn’t need to access that information anytime soon.

 

The next morning I woke up and had breakfast with my family. I actually really missed my brother and was happy to just sit and talk to him. However, I didn’t want to be a third wheel in their reunion of love, so we made plans to all hang out the next evening and I set out to conquer Pattaya alone. Once you get pass all of the old, white men walking around town with young Asian women on their arms (real old… like, where is your colostomy bag old), then you really start to take in Pattaya.

Pattaya’s main streets are essentially a smorgasbord of massage and spa services. Some places are legitimate and offer foot reflexology, Thai massages and other spa services.  Other places are also legitimate, by Pattaya standards, but they offer “happy endings” along with your massage. For a novice, like myself, figuring out which was which was a little difficult. However, after visiting several different parlors I found two distinctions. First, a lot of the happy endings type of massage places offered “body-to-body”, “intimate massages”, or a “Soapy massage.” Secondly, many of these places have a “fish bowl.” A fish bowl is a glass enclosure with women sitting behind it and they typically have a number on them so you can choose which fish you’d like to service you.

The world famous Tiffany Show!

With supply and demand being what they are, you can imagine how cheap massage and spa services can be in Pattaya. So, I reckoned I’d get caught up on some much needed maintenance. I found two salons that I liked and figured I would get a Thai massage and Body Scrub at one and all my other services at the other. I went to the other first and started ordering. “I need a mani, pedi, and my eyebrows waxed. As a matter of fact, getting a Brazilian is on my bucket list, so let’s do that too!” Side Note: I’m not sure who created this evil, sadistic, cruel, and torturous procedure, but it should have stayed on my bucket list never having been unearthed! If Jesus comes back for just his hairless followers, my ass will be left behind. I will NEVER do that again. EVER!

Having never experienced that type of trauma, I wasn’t aware that getting a body scrub or even going into the ocean after getting a Brazilian is out. (Apparently salt and wounded flesh doesn’t mix well…) However, the technician keyed me in to the follow up procedures and I opted for just a Thai massage at the next place.  I left the salon walking much slower than I had entered, but feeling very breezy and headed to the next salon.

A Ladyboy from the Tiffany Show.

Thai massages are a must do in Thailand and I was excited to get all of the travel kinks out. I paid for my massage, changed into the little outfit they gave me and in walks another one of Thailand’s national treasures: a Ladyboy. A “Ladyboy”, as they are called in Thailand, is a pre or post opt male transsexual and Thailand has some of the most beautiful Ladyboys I have ever seen. They are so beautiful that when my brother, Miki and I went to the Tiffany Show, which is an all Ladyboy show, later that week, Miki said, “Man, I need to step my game up. I want to be a Ladyboy!”

Whatever the case, Thai massages are really vigorous and detailed and this Ladyboy cracked stuff in my back that I didn’t even know existed.  She kneeled on me, stood on me, crawled on me, and walked on me. She used her feet, knees, and elbows and I had my arms and legs in the air, off to the side and was in more positions then the Kama Sutra would allow for. A few years ago, if you had told me that I would crave a cigarette after being completely worked over by a transsexual, I would have laughed in your face. But trust… I have never smoked a cigarette a day in my life, but I swear I wanted to just lay there, light a ciggy and chill in the afterglow; I was shattered.

For the love of money...

After my pleasure and pain day of spa services, I was done. I took three Tylenol and went to bed. I didn’t even wake up for dinner. Day 1 was a wrap, but Day 2 proved to be mind blowing as well. After a marathon shopping spree through Pattaya’s markets and shopping centers, I finally caught up with Miki and my brother. That evening we hit the town in search for the infamous “Walking Street” in Pattaya. Walking street is basically the first block past the gates of hell. Think Mardi Gras or Freak Nik being hosted in Hunts Point, NY in the 1990’s and you have a pretty close idea as to what Walking Street looks like nightly. Anything goes and I literally had to draw a morality line at Donkey Shows. I just can’t do it. What I did go to was a Ping Pong Show. Earlier while in Vietnam, I met a guy who was working in Thailand and he swore that I shouldn’t miss a Ping Pong show if I had the opportunity. So there I was.

For the next two hours, I watched an assortment of debauchery. The show started with a crew of maybe fourteen strippers dancing topless on the stage. Each stripper had a number, remember the fishbowl, and to be quite honest I’ve seen much worse in the U.S., so I wasn’t impressed. Now, I don’t blush easily and have been around the way, but the events that proceeded after the strippers left were unimaginable. The first woman who took the stage had a glass of water with a ping pong  ball in it and for the next ten minutes she engaged in a Kegel muscle workout that would put the “clean and jerk” to shame. Lying on her back, she placed the ping pong into her vagina, pushed her pelvis upward, blew the ball about three feet into the air and then caught it with her hands.  WTF?! Am I really seeing this??

  

At least the tuition is cheap...

I was in awe for the first five minutes, until she blew the ping pong ball so far out that it shot towards a group of aging Japanese men. The way and speed in which those men scattered… OMG… You would have thought that a rat just crawled across the table and tried to attack them. They were horrified and you couldn't have paid them to pick that ball up with a pair of chopsticks! I laughed so hard that my sides hurt! One of the staff members had to actually go over there, pick the ping pong ball off the floor and bring it back to the performer; who without the assistance of at least Windex, took the ball and put it right back inside her vagina. Am I really seeing this?? Then my brother said, “The last time I was here, that happened and a guy caught the ball and licked it.” In one fell swoop, I sobered up fast enough to stop vomit from spewing past my lips.

The show didn’t stop with ping pong balls though. It continued with woman after woman exhibiting her vaginal talents. We saw symphony of whistles being played, a series of candles being blown out and a cigarette being smoked. The finale, however, took the cake. After handing out ten balloons to various people at various distances around the room, I witnessed two girls place blow darts into their vaginas and spin on their backs, systematically taking out each balloon like covert assassins. Am I really seeing this?? Suddenly being able to hold pee for long periods of time just didn’t seem like that big of a deal; these chicks were off the chain.

Sanctuary of Truth!

There’s a lot more to talk about in terms of the underbelly of Pattaya, but the truth is that the sexual energy in that city is so overwhelming that it’s mentally and emotionally draining; especially for someone who hasn’t seen her spouse in over two months.  It's simply too much! After that night I started looking for more family friendly activities that we could all do together, cause I gotta keep my head straight.  So the next day, we went to the Sanctuary of truth.

The Sanctuary of truth is an enormous temple undertaken by an eccentric billionaire and meant to depict the four major philosophical, religious and artistic influences seen in Thailand: Hindu, Khmer, Chinese and Thai. The building is hand carved entirely out of wood and carvers have been working on it for the last 20 years; it is expected to be completed in another 25 years. It is awe inspiring in all of its detail and frankly, I would have gone to Pattaya just to see this. We spent hours there walking the grounds, riding more freaking elephants, getting massages and learning about the building process and I loved it!  This was definitely a fantastic way to spend the day with my brother and his wife and to end my trip to Thailand.  

Carving the walls of the Sanctuary

Every wall in the Sanctuary of Truth is this detailed. AMAZING!